“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude