Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.