I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
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smh
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.