I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet