I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Who needs an Air Fryer?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[eulogy]
line?
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.