Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.