Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my fake scenarios

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.