I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
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My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*