I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
#parenting
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back