I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
WTF
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night