Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.