I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.