Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Velcrow

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.