I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.