Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

A roof is a house hat.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.