Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

I can’t wait!

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

2 years later