Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

This did not end as expected.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

groan^2

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.