Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

making my dog give me my pills

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer