Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery