Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Beware of the dog..

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.