Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.