I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
You Might Also Like
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?