Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

🥲

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

Haha good job!!

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.