I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

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The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it


Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up


What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.


If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.


Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home


I’ve been arrested 10 times


My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.


Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.


every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??


Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!


[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]