I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.