I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
He’s cranky this morning
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.