I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
You Might Also Like
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
whatcha thinkin bout
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart