Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys