I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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Me: Same.