I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
This is enough internet for the day.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
i smell a pulitzer
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.