Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.