I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial