Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Please vote for people who are attractive

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me