Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.