Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

😭😭😭

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

💀💀

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.