I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
my sentiments exactly
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
felt that
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
