I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The best plant holders?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
getting groceries
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
