Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.