I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
early stone age tool
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
