I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
had to share :’)
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals