Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

😂

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

ㅤ

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.