I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.