Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

go easy on yourself <3

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”

*Pies are brought to the table.*

Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Some of y’all tomorrow …

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.