Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Me buying fruit and veg

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]