Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”