I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
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Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this