Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

“and how does that make you feel?”

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.