i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My wedding will be open casket.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The big book of baby names but for safe words
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Basically.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
they should invent a rest for the wicked