i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
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I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Beware…..
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
called in thicc to work this morning
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”