i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
You Might Also Like
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
😭😭
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok