Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

me refusing to leave twitter

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”