Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

LMAO

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER