I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
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“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha