“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”