I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Y’all ready for this
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Webb. James Webb.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit