I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
The pen is writier than the sword.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
This could be us but you eatin’
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead