Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

*feels the wind in my toe hair

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

wtf is a larm clock?

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”