Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.