I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
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My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining