Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a winner.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.