I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.