I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*pronounces patio like ratio
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*