I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit