I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
This makes total sense…
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
How actors in movies eat their food
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.