I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

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“Maybe a nap will cheer me up!” she said knowing full well she’d wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.


If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!


panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple


broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him


Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.


Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?


Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…


If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.


[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?