@lucidchemistry

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

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@smickable

“Maybe a nap will cheer me up!” she said knowing full well she’d wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.

@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@yonewt

panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

@dril

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

@ronnui_

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

@hilaryfairie

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

@fusedude

If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.

@Sickayduh

[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU