I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian