Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Duck typos.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Dolls on drugs

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…