Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
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The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that