I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Who called it baking and not making love
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.