I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Trying
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I’m not stressed
#dalle2
