Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*