Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

BaD BoY!!

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.