Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.