Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.