There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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“336Hours”
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.