Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.