Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?