I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
this chia pet tastes awful
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
at ease…shoulder.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.